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the feeling of absolute solitude - It's like This and That and um..
Sorry it's like 99% private

idothisforyou
when: 2007-03-19 02:44
why: the feeling of absolute solitude
Security: Public
Location:madison, wi
Mood:nostalgicnostalgic
you know, i should really be in bed considering that i have work tomorrow and its almost 2am, but i don't really feel like it.  i feel like sitting quietly in my temporary apartment on the "west side" of madison, wisconsin and pondering the value of different life experiences and people that i've met throughout my life.  thinking about how i came to be at the place i am right now.  it's really quite overwhelming.

no one knows me in this city, except for the bartender from yesterday (St. patty's) who served me like 10 beers, and the few people i met while i was there.  but if i were home - my parents' home - in salisbury, north carolina, i wouldn't have been able to walk into a single bar without knowing at least two or three people.  i wouldn't have the anonymity that is forced on me in this place.  i remember making the choice to cut off my dreads partly because i wanted to be more anonymous, and now i realize to a certain extent that i do enjoy attention- not the attention that i get here in madison, like what is this black guy doing around here - but the positive attention that comes with being slightly different than the rest.

but i lost my thought, which was how people have influenced me and how surprisingly significant nearly all events and choices in my life have been.  i think people debate over the importance of telling children or adults who act like children the "correct" ways or choices to make in life versus letting individuals choose their own paths and learn from their mistakes or successes.  i don't know if my parents did that very much.  i think they certainly put me in situations where i was setup up for success and encouraged me in that way, but never told me not to do something because it would be wrong for me.  especially my father; it wasn't until i became older - and perhaps this is because i'm starting to look and act like him -- that i came to appreciate his subtle almost effortless way of parenting.  then, it seemed like he didn't care sometimes or had his own issues to worry about.  but now, i realize how those looks that he would give me rather than advice or punishment were integral to the way that i acted.  he didn't have to say anything to me to for me to know what was right or wrong or whatever.

i'm sure this makes little sense to anyone else reading it, but this time - idothisforme. 

it seems like extended solitude is the only time when i can look back and gain any perspective on my life. i think all that looking on facebook and seeing pictures of all the people i went to school with put me in this reminiscent mood.  but it's not just about memories that i have of people, but about a pathway that i took which they were a part of. i mean, i can remember being part of a clique in elementary school that was very exclusive.  and i came from out of state and had to work hard to be part of the clique, so what does that say about me.  probably very little, but it has become part of me and in some way it has to affect who i am today.  do i roll with a clique, not really.  but i know what i mean.

so, i'm at a point where i have to make a big decision in my life in the next few weeks.  i think there are very few decisions that will affect my life as heavily as this one will.  it is two decisions really, but wrapped up in the same blanket which i can choose to sleep in or not.  do i go to law school and if not, do i move out to cali so abony can go to berkeley?  chilling.  i just don't know.  i was having some startling thoughts about this a day or so ago.  it's like, if i don't go to law school, what am i going to do with my life?  do i try to go back to school for something else later or sooner? can i make money if i don't?  what am i trying to do with my career?  who gives a fuck about a career? it's like, i'm trying to envision the rest of my life path and its really difficult.  even if i do go to law school.  it's not even about me any more, it's us. and that's fine, but it complicates the puzzle to a degree that seems impossible to solve.  i know i just have to make a decision, excuse me. we have to make a decision and live with it, but such a heavy decisions is hard to just live with.  i go back and forth on what is right every other day. nasty. scary.

yeah, so all of these people and choices have brought me here, but now no one but i can choose what is best for me.  no one but i will be responsible for what happens to me as a result of what i do here, where i end up. 
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Evilwonderbra
who: evilwonderbra
when: 2007-03-29 15:17 (UTC)
why: (no subject)
Wow babe, I totally should have read this a long time ago. See, I need to come to livejournal more often. You really did think this whole thing through...a lot more than I thought...

I understand the thing you mean about your dad. The subtle parenting thing goes over my head...you've met my parents. But I think it's kind of beautiful. It's hard to explain, but I like the idea of being able to convey something without speaking...I have such a hard time with it.

I'm glad you made your decision. It's hard for me to accept it, in part because I feel guilty. I feel like I forced you to make it too quickly, and I feel that it's far more beneficial to me than it is to you, and one day you will regret it. I feel those things, I don't know if they are true or not. I guess if everything works out in San Fran, if you love teaching and are an amazing teacher, if we find a beautiful home and I find a great job doing something good for society but still being able to spend time with my family (and start one), then I won't feel guilty. I'll feel like you made the right decision for both of us. And I'll give all the credit for making the right decision to you.

But if things don't go well--if you hate teaching and I hate law school...then I'm the one to blame. I think that all is a long shot. I doubt I'll hate law school. I doubt you'll hate teaching. And either way, we wouldn't have wasted our time because even if we do hate it, we learned something and it's not like we are going into debt to do it. So intellectually, I know this is a good idea, but my heart...well it's scared. It's scared of what's in front of us.

Thankfully though, I have you. Because I don't think I'd move if it weren't for you being with me. I'd be too afraid to do it without you. I mean that. You give me courage. That's why I forced you to buy that expensive plane ticket to San Fran in two weeks. I couldn't do that without you...Anyway, I'm starting to not make sense.
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Evilwonderbra
who: evilwonderbra
when: 2007-03-29 15:28 (UTC)
why: (no subject)
Btw- you should read my most recent entry. You have to log in to read it it's friends only.
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